


thin

by dils_whisk



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Fluff, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Purging, Sickness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-23 20:16:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13197741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dils_whisk/pseuds/dils_whisk
Summary: Summary: Dan has an eating disorder and Phil doesn't really know what to do but he's trying. (I'm bad at summaries but that's pretty much it.)





	thin

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: I am not pro anorexia, bulimia, or any other eating disorders. I think that if you want to lose weight you should do it healthily. Additionally, I have never had an eating disorder so all of the feelings and thoughts Dan has I wrote using the information I've gotten from movies/tv/books/etc. If any of this stuff is inaccurate, I apologize. I tried my best.

12/01/14  
If Phil Lester could describe his boyfriend, Daniel Howell, in two words, he would choose "lovely" and "dying." Lovely, because he was one of the sweetest, funniest, most caring people Phil had ever met. Dying, because he was.

 

10/02/14  
It was the eyes that first gave it away.  
"I made your favorite!" Phil would grin, setting down a plate of steaming hot chicken stir-fry.  
And then that plastic smile would stretch across Dan's face as panic glistened in his eyes.  
"I'm not hungry."

 

10/07/14  
It took a while for Phil to pick up on anything odd. Dan still ate three meals a day, he just ate less of them. An apple for breakfast, a salad for lunch, then whatever Phil cooked for dinner--it became a routine.  
"You haven't been eating much lately," Phil commented one day over supper, "everything alright?"  
Dan nodded, taking another bite of his sandwich. "Yeah, just trying to drop a few pounds, don't worry about it."  
"I think you look fine, but okay..." Phil nodded uncertainly but didn't say anything else. After all, there really wasn't much to fret over--Dan had attempted many diet plans before. Phil could only assume that, like always, he would forget it in a week or so.

 

10/16/14  
The exercise came next. Every day, at six-thirty, when Dan thought Phil was still asleep, he would sneak out of bed and walk to the stairs, running up and down them for an hour or so before heading off to shower.  
Phil figured out what his boyfriend was doing around the second or third day he got up early. It wasn't until the fifth day that he asked about it.  
"What are you doing?" Phil muttered, rolling over to face his boyfriend.  
Dan, who was in the middle of tying his tennis shoes, jumped, spinning around. "Oh, just thought I'd, um...make...breakfast?"  
"Really?" Phil swung his legs over the edge of the bed, raising an eyebrow. "Because it looks to me like you're going to go jog up and down the steps for an hour."  
Dan blushed, looking guilty. "You knew?"  
"I'm the love of your life, of course, I knew."  
Phil sighed, watching as Dan laughed awkwardly, then left the room in a hurry.

 

10/25/14  
"Do you want to order pizza?" Phil asked, gently running his fingers through Dan's curls.  
"You can, I'm not really that hungry. I think I'm coming down with something," Dan murmured, wrapping his arms around Phil's torso.  
"Oh no...Do you want some soup? I think we have some in the cupboard, if not I can run out and get something."  
Dan shook his head, not quite meeting Phil's eyes. "I'm just not up to it tonight... thanks anyway."

 

11/07/14  
"Is that all you're having?" Concern was etched into Phil's face.  
Dan looked down at his mug of tea, stirring the surface with his finger. "I don't have much of an appetite this early in the morning."  
Phil sighed, taking another bite of cereal. Dan had been barely eating lately. It had started with small things: he would have one slice of pizza instead of three, he refused to drink any soda that wasn't diet, he even began skipping breakfast. Over time it had gotten worse. Now he usually only had one full meal a day. If he had pancakes for breakfast he would skip lunch and have an apple for dinner. If he knew we were ordering takeout, he would have a small bowl of cereal for breakfast and nothing for lunch. It was beginning to get worrisome.

 

11/11/14  
There came a night when Phil realized he could no longer dismiss Dan's eating habits as a diet or normal loss of appetite.  
Dan plugged his phone in by the bedside table before crawling under the covers next to Phil.  
"Are you cold?" Phil had asked, spooning him from behind.  
"No, why?"  
"You're wearing a sweater," Dan rarely slept with a t-shirt, much less a thick jumper.  
"I'm just a bit chilly, that's all."  
Phil sighed sadly, nuzzling his nose into Dan's hair. "I wish you'd talk to me..."  
"I do talk to you, silly," Dan laughed, playing with Phil's fingers.  
"You know what I mean."  
Dan didn't respond.  
As the brunette drifted off to sleep, Phil remained restless. He laid awake in thought for close to an hour before finally deciding to get some rest. He slipped a hand under Dan's shirt, tracing his fingers over his stomach.  
He could feel his ribs.

 

11/11/14  
"We need to talk."  
Dan glanced up from his tea. "That's never good."  
Phil sighed, leaning back in his chair across from Dan. "How many calories are you eating in a day?"  
Dan shrugged. "How am I supposed to know?"  
"I dunno, maybe that handy calorie counting app that you've been using for the past two months?"  
Dan blushed, averting his gaze.  
"So, what is it? What's the number?"  
"...500."  
"Dan..." Phil scoffed. "That's less than a fourth of what you should be eating!"  
Dan sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Look, it's fine, okay! It's just for a little while and then I'll boost it up again! I just want to lose five more pounds."  
"Baby," Phil scooted his chair over next to his boyfriend. "I'm worried about you."  
"Well, you shouldn't be," Dan muttered, standing up.  
"What you're doing isn't healthy!" Phil hurried after him, grabbing his wrist. "Please, don't fall into that spiral."  
"Just leave it alone, Phil," Dan mumbled, shaking loose of his grip and hurrying off to his room.

 

11/27/14  
"Dan, Please open up!" Phil called out, banging against the bathroom door.  
Dan mumbled what sounded like a no. Between his crying and the shut door, it was hard to tell.  
Phil bit his lip nervously, reaching up to feel the top of the doorframe. To his relief, he found the key. "Dan, I'm coming in."  
Dan didn't have a chance to respond; Phil swung the door open, his stomach lurching as the smell of bile hit him. Dan was crouched over the toilet, tears streaming down his face and spit on his chin. "G-get out!" He tried to yell, but it came out as more of a whimper. Phil hurried over to Dan, wrapping his arms tightly around his waist and pulling him back from the toilet. "S-stop! Let go of me!" Dan struggled to push himself away from Phil, who quickly released him with a hurt expression. Dan rested his forehead against the edge of the toilet seat, sobbing loudly. Phil, unsure of what to do, sat behind him, fighting back tears.  
After a few moments, Phil timidly asked: "Can I hug you?"  
Dan turned towards him, wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his jumper. "Y-yeah."  
Phil pulled his boyfriend into a tight embrace, where he sobbed into his shirt for nearly half-an-hour before his cries subsided. He did his best to stay composed while he stroked Dan's back, the sharp points of his lover's spine grazing his hand.

 

11/28/14  
"You're going to the doctor, and I'm taking you."  
"No, I'm not."  
Phil let out an impatient sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I've already set up and paid for an appointment with a specialist."  
"Phil, what the hell?! Since when is it your job to look after me?" Dan glared up at Phil from the kitchen table.  
"Since you're too mentally unstable to eat."  
Dan shut his mouth, glaring at his boyfriend. "I'm not going."  
"Dan—"  
"You can't make me."  
Phil lost his temper. "For God's sake, Dan! Will you stop behaving like a child? And if you're going to act that way, will you at least let me take care of you? Because you're sure as hell not doing it yourself!" Phil felt immediate remorse as Dan looked down in shame. "Baby, I'm sorry..."  
"No, no," Dan sniffed, "you're right. I'm sorry I put you in this situation, it's unfair of me."  
"Dan, if it will make things worse--"  
Dan shook his head, running a hand through his hair. "No, I should go. I do need help I just... I thought I could do this by myself."  
Phil sighed, walking over to Dan and placing a kiss on his head. "It's okay to ask for help. You're not alone in this, okay?"  
Dan stared down at the table in silence; he didn't trust himself to speak.  
11/30/14  
Dan walked out of the shower, clad in just his boxers. Phil had left to go shopping, so he had the place all to himself. It was a nice change, being able to walk around without worrying about someone judging him for the way he looked. Not that Phil was incredibly judgemental or anything, but it was human nature to surmise people without a second thought.  
Dan stopped in front of the mirror, examining his body bitterly. He had been shedding weight for weeks and there was still so much to lose...Perhaps he should cut his calorie intake back more? He had gotten used to eating his current goal and would be fine with setting it a bit lower. He was trying to mentally calculate how much weight he should be losing per week when a small gasp drew his attention to the door.  
"Dan..."  
Dan spun around to find Phil in the doorway, staring at him in horror. "I-I thought you left..."  
"I forgot my keys," Phil stepped forward. "Oh, Dan...what have you done to yourself?"  
Dan looked away, wrapping a thin arm around his waist. His collar bones stuck out like razors, and nearly all of his ribs were visible. Further down, his undergarments were barely clinging onto his hips, which were so prominent there was a gap between them. His thighs were roughly the size of Phil's bicep, maintaining the same size as they extended down into his calves.  
Dan looked up at Phil, tears brimming in his eyes, "I can't stop... I thought I could but I can't."  
Phil stepped forward, pulling Dan into a hug. "Baby, why are you doing this? You never needed to lose weight. I always think you're beautiful no matter what.  
"Don't you get it, Phil?" Dan's voice cracked. "It's not just about being skinny."  
"Then what?"  
"I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I'm a university dropout, can't hold a career to save my life, and I have to depend on you to cover all my expenses. For the past year, I haven't made any progress on anything! All my goals have been left to slowly wilt in a bin as I lie around, moping about how I never get anything done. But losing weight, that's different. That's something I can do."  
The longing in Dan's eyes was too much for Phil, and he struggled to fight back a sob before speaking. "Dan, I know you have your doubts, but please don't skip another session with the doctor."  
Dan cried softly into Phil's shoulder. It was true--he had already skipped the first session with the specialist Phil had hired. He was ashamed to admit it, but there was a part of him that loved his illness. He enjoyed hearing someone make a comment about how thin he was, even if it was meant in a negative way. The idea of getting better scared him. He wanted to improve on his own time, not with the help of a stranger. However, he knew Phil was right. If Dan wanted to keep on living (or at least living in his own home) he needed to get medical help before he got any worse. 

 

12/9/14  
"I'm scared," Dan muttered, looking wearily down at his plate.  
"Of what?" Phil had been informed by Dan's doctor that the best thing he could do for Dan was to be understanding and ask questions.  
"That if I start eating again I won't be able to control myself. It's hard enough restricting my diet as it is... if I get hooked on eating..." Dan shivered at the thought.  
Phil placed a hand on Dan's thigh smiling softly. "Hey, don't worry about that, yeah? Dr. Ingles assured you nothing like that would happen. And if you feel like you're losing control, we can just go back and talk to him about it, okay?"  
In all truthfulness, this did little to reassure Dan. The real reason he decided to take that first little bite of food was the desperation in Phil's eyes. Dan was tired of Phil worrying over him, and if the only way to stop that was to eat, he had to at least try.  
Phil beamed as Dan swallowed his small bite of food. "It's good, isn't it?"  
Dan nodded, his smile widening. It was good.  
By the end of the meal Dan had only eaten about a fourth of the food on his plate, but it was certainly an improvement.  
...  
"I'm really proud of you." Phil grinned, taking a seat next to his boyfriend on the couch.  
Dan sighed, melting into Phil's side. "It was only a few bites..."  
"It was a few bites more than you would have eaten yesterday," Phil pointed out. "If you can just add a little bit more each day, you'll be better in no time."  
"Well, I don't know about that," Dan admired Phil's encouragement, but it was unrealistic. "It's taking all of my willpower not to go throw up right now."  
Phil shifted, glancing down at Dan uncomfortably. "Please don't hurt yourself anymore, baby. I can't imagine what would happen if this goes on for much longer.  
Dan smiled softly, taking Phil's hand. "I'm trying."

 

07/04/15  
Phil glanced up at Dan as he walked out of the bedroom, wearing only his sweatpants. He looked so much better. He was still skinny, but his bones no longer stuck out of his skin in sharp points, his thighs were wider than his calves and his calves were wider than his biceps.  
The trip to recovery had been pretty damn hard. Some days it was easy: Dan would eat three small--but not unreasonably so--meals a day. Sometimes, if he was feeling particularly well, he'd even indulge in a snack. Unfortunately, not every day was like that. There were many times when Phil would have to pull his boyfriend away from the toilet before he could relapse into his old habits. There were times when Dan would have a panic attack over the mere idea of eating even a few bites of food. Regardless of what kind of day it was, Phil was there for Dan, trying his best to be supportive. True, he didn't always say the right things, but he was trying, and Dan appreciated it.  
"You look amazing."  
Dan glanced up from the dresser, smiling softly. "I've gained weight."  
"I know."  
"That's good, right? That I'm not as skinny?"  
"Of course," Phil's gaze followed Dan as he took a seat next to him. "Why?"  
"I dunno, I just..." Dan sighed, leaning back onto the bed. "Logically, I know it's good that I'm returning to a healthy BMI, but sometimes something in my brain just... switches. I'll be looking at a plate of food and I'll blink and suddenly the food isn't food anymore, it's just a plate full of calories. Or I'll be getting dressed and a pair of jeans that used to be too big for me is digging into my skin and I--" Dan's voice cracked and he covered his mouth.  
Phil sat up, wrapping an arm around Dan's waist "Hey, take your time, it's okay."  
"I feel like I'm gaining weight so quickly that I won't be able to notice it until I'm so fat I'm at risk for heart diseases and I'll be in the same place that I just came out of--stuck with an unhealthy weight, messed up eating habits, and a bunch of concerned friends and family. I don't wanna go back, Phil."  
"Dan, I know I don't understand what you're going through, but, from what I hear, lot's of people with your condition feel the same. Remember what Dr. Ingles said when you expressed your concerns? He assured you that would never happen."  
"He's probably just required to say that..."  
Phil sighed softly. "Well, I believe it."  
"Honestly?"  
"Honestly.  
Dan inhaled deeply, trying to regain his composure. Phil pressed a kiss to his cheek. "You're doing great, okay? Me, your doctors, your parents...we all believe in you. You're already back up to eating half of what you should be, in a few months you could be okay again!  
Dan realized that the reality was always far more complicated than that, but there was truth to Phil's words: someday he would get better. He would be able to look in the mirror without cringing at the amount of skin he had, he would be able to fall into his boyfriend's embrace without fretting about Phil feeling rolls, he could enjoy the occasional desert without being kept up at night by thoughts of the calories slowly accumulating in the pouch on his stomach.  
Maybe not right now, but someday.


End file.
